The 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' series and surrounding material belong to GAINAX/Hideaki Anno, Time Lords and TARDISes belong to the BBC, the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, and this fic belongs to Issei Mataloun (he is most welcome to it!).
“I still don’t understand why we need them in the first place,” the Fisherman said, looking down at his partner Evie messing around with their replicator, wires and components strewn across the long bench in the TARDIS workshop, a new addition to the labyrinthine interior. The Fisherman had added it at Evie’s request, as she wanted somewhere to experiment and in her words ‘improve on’ the standard-issue PPC equipment. She was currently attempting to modify the replicator to allow it to produce weapons.
“Because I’m fed up of having to make up assassinations as we go along. The very idea of an assassination is that it’s quick, clean and to the point. Chucking Sues into the vortex or whacking them with a random object most definitely does not qualify…” Evie stopped to concentrate on reattaching an evidently important component. “There, done.”
“But what about all these other bits?” the Fisherman asked.
“Really?” He was not convinced.
“You’ll see.” She turned to the device. “Steel knife, 5 inch blade.” The space inside the device shimmered and a standard hunting-type knife materialised. “See.” Evie picked it up; her smile disappeared instantly when the blade flopped down as if made of play-doh.
The Fisherman had to stifle a laugh.
“Not funny, fishface… Ah! Of course, the matter stabilization system!” She pulled the side cover off the replicator and reattached some of the ‘superfluous’ wires. “Repeat previous instruction.” Another knife materialised, this one perfectly solid and stable. Evie threw it down at the workbench, embedding the blade a few millimetres. “Perfect,” she declared with a pointed smirk at her partner.
“Hmm…” the Fisherman said, moving to examine the replicator. “One glass of water,” he requested. The machine obliged; he picked up the glass and drank the contents.
“What are you doing?” Evie asked.
“Checking that your modifications hadn’t messed with the rest of the thing’s functions. Last thing I want is exploding tea!”
“Oh come on, give me some credit. I am partially cybernetic after all. And it’s worth it anyway if we can finally get some proper equipment.”
“Hmm… I usually find that when all you have is a gun, every problem starts to look like a target.”
“Er, Fish? Every problem in our line of work is a target, more or less.”
“Well… not exactly… er, from a certain point… yeah, OK, I’ll give you that.” He turned back to the device and thought for a few moments. “Alright, alright. Phaser compression pistol.” The replicator hummed for a few seconds before emitting a screeching noise and then a puff of blue smoke. “What!”
“Why’d you have to ask it for that?” Evie shouted, frantically assessing the damage.
“It’s the first thing I thought of! They’re small, easily concealable and damned powerful too, what more could you want?”
Evie sighed. “Asking it for something from the Star Trek continuum was bound to cause trouble…”
“But replicators come from there!”
“Exactly, and in that continua are programmed to not produce weapons! I overrode the general lockout, but trying to produce things that are probably explicitly on its ‘no-can-do’ list straight away wasn’t the smartest…”
She was interrupted by the BONG… BONG… of the TARDIS Cloister Bell.
“Mission time!” Evie said with exaggerated enthusiasm. “Oh boy, what fun!”
The pair made their way back to the control room and silenced the alert. Evie began packing up their bag of stuff while the Fisherman read the mission report.
Fic title: Hellstorm evangelion
Notes: You mustn’t run away… you mustn’t run away…
“As if we could run away,” Evie snarked. “Looks like we might have a use for that DoSAT EVA Unit you were telling me about.”
“I hope not,” her partner replied. “Let’s hope we can clean this up without having to go the empathic biomech route.”
“Don’t want to pilot a pink Evangelion? I’ll do it.”
The Fisherman just stuck out his tongue and set the destination controls. “Standard background-character anime disguises?”
Note: this happens after episode 17 when shinji killed Kaoru. since I diodn't understand them, we'll pretend the 25-26 episodes did not happen and say that the story goes on right here. Hope you enjouy my first fanfic!!! – Issei Mataloun
“Ignore the ending because you don’t get it? Yup, pretty standard Eva badfic so far,” Evie said as the Agents stepped out into the white pre-fic void.
The nothingness suddenly changed into Shinji’s room in Misato’s apartment. The Third Child was laying on the bed, crying softly, supposedly over ‘Kauru’s’ death. After a few seconds a light shone through the bottom of the sliding door. A minute or so later, the door opened.
Finally the door opened and a red man came in. he had a pitch fork and red skin and a crooked beard. he smiled evily at Shinji. When Shinji looked at him he wet his pants. "Hi Shinji I'm the devil nice to meet you." Shinji waved at the scary man and sayed "hi how do you know my name????"
“Bluhhuhwhathow?” the Fisherman blurted out. “The devil? The devil walking into Shinji’s room and saying ‘hi’? I’m not even sure what charge that counts as, probably several. I’ll just put it down as ‘introducing implausible characters’.” He pulled a small notebook out of his pocket and began scribbling.
“I guess the author doesn’t know that there was never any real link to Christian mythology in Eva, they just threw in the references because they looked cool.”
The scene continued with the ‘Devil’ asking Shinji if he wanted to work for him, Shinji declining, and the Devil declaring that he was going to destroy the world.
"I don't like humans." the
devil sayed. "Since God couldn't kill you off, me and my demons will. You
and the rest of mankind is deadmeat kid."
Shinji stood up from his bed and looked hero like. He was scared but he wouldn't let the devil see it. "I won't let you. I'll kick your ass if you try somethong like that."
“Er… OK,” Evie said. “Again with the wrong mythology. And Shinji’s gone from being pants-soilingly scared of this thing to saying he’s gonna kick his ass? What?”
“We can safely add ‘putting a spine where it doesn’t belong’ to the charge list,” the Fisherman added. “By this point in the series Shinji isn’t in a state to do much more than stare into space.” He retrieved the CAD from the bag and pointed it at Shinji.
[Shinji Ikari. Male human. Canon. Out-of-character 56.42%]
“Big surprise there…” he continued.
Evie wasn’t listening, having spaced out somewhat to take a look at the Words. “We should probably skip ahead, there’s nothing much more of note until the first ‘demon’ appears. Oh, except for Hyuga being Misato’s ‘boyfiend’… make of that what you will.”
“So… portal ahead? The TARDIS should be safe here until we’re done.”
“Er, judging by how the thing is described I don’t think that being on the ground watching the fight would be advisable. I would say land on a building but assuming they follow canon procedures they’ll all be retracted.”
“So you want me to materialise in mid air so we can watch the battle?”
“What the hell is that thing?” the Fisherman said, standing at the TARDIS door. The ship was positioned high above Tokyo-3.
It was 2000 ft. tall and was really fat and ugly. it had horns, red skin, and really REALLY sharp fangs.
True to description, the creature towered over the fortress city, dwarfing Eva-01 twenty times over. It looked somewhat like a demon that had a fondness for cheeseburgers, what with its obese frame.
"My name is Ramama and I will be the one to kill you!!!!" shouted the demon.
With a voice to match its size, the demon’s boast nearly deafened the agents.
“Well it makes a change from all the "attempt-at-an-angelic ‘-iel’ name" Angels you usually see in Evangelion fics,” Evie shouted over the roaring wind.
The battle was almost comical, with the demon and the Eva fighting as if their sizes were roughly equal, resulting in scenes such as Unit 01 stabbing Ramama’s foot ineffectively with a progressive knife and the demon jump[ing] on top of the Eva and punching it really hard.
Finally Shinji sayed "I've have enough of this!!!" and punched Ramama in the jaw. He was so mad that it made Shinji 1000000000 times stronger and the punch broke Ramama's jaw.
In order to accomplish this Unit 01 flew into the air as if it had been shot out of a cannon and impacted the creature’s head with a sickening ‘squelch-crack’. The purple Unit hung in place, retrieved its pistol and blew the demon’s head to pieces before falling back to Earth without a scratch.
Shinji felt proud. He had kicked this demon's ass and now he could go home in time to watch Ruroni Kenshin.
“The author really has no idea about Shinji’s character at this point do they?” the Fisherman said. “Even the easy fights caused quite a bit of psychological trauma, and that thing…”
“Anyway, next stop, back to the apartment,” Evie said, pre-empting another rant. She headed back over to the console and set the controls.
“Hey, when did you learn to do that?” the Fisherman said, unsure whether to be worried or impressed.
“Oh I pick up on how things work real quick,” Evie replied.
“Butbutbut…” He sighed. “Be careful, okay?”
“Like you were with the replicator?”
Shinji was having the dream again. it had been ten nights since he kiucked Ramamama's ass and the dream kept on coming. All that it was was the devil laughing at him and a fire burning EVA 1 and Shinji was inside! He cryed sometimes.
“I think we can charge for ‘trivialising post-traumatic stress’ or something like that. Glossing over the psychological aspects does not a good Eva fic make,” the Fisherman declared as they hid in a corner of Misato’s kitchen.
It was then that the agents noticed a small black and grey humanoid… thing wandering around a few feet away from them. Evie reached out and scooped it up. “A mini? Ohh… this must be ‘Mistao’. A mini-Sachiel, how… cute?” The mini squinted for a second and then unleashed a white blast of energy aimed at Evie’s head. It singed her hair and eyebrows but luckily wasn’t powerful enough to do much more. “I take it back. They’re irritating.”
“Well get used to them,” the Fisherman said holding up two more, ‘Penen’ and ‘Mistaio’. He opened the TARDIS door (currently in the form of a larder) and ushered the trio of mini-Angels inside.
“Scene change time!” Evie said.
“Huh? Oh crap I hate th…” the Fisherman didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before the surroundings changed to the NERV command centre. The Agents were thrown sideways in the change and ended up tangled under a computer desk. They extricated themselves just in time to see Misato introduce their target. The boy looked even younger than the other pilots, and had bright green hair.
“Oh joy,” Evie snarked. “You gotta have
Shinji sayed "PARTNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This little KID??!??????"
“It’s a good job punctuation isn’t
rationed,” the Fisherman added. “I think he just used up his quota
for the entire fic in two sentences.”
Whenever he sayed that, the little kid giot a HUGE HAMMER and smashed Shinji over the head. Shinji went to the floor and began shaking. The little boy laughed and sayed "My name is Issei Mataloun, the 6th child. "
“Stop! Hammertime!” Evie chuckled. The Donkey Kong-style hammer vanished after being mentioned, much to her dismay. “Could have used that…”
The Fisherman was busy fiddling with the CAD. “There, now hopefully it won’t explode.” He pointed it at the Stu.
[Issei Mataloun. Male human. Doubleplusnoncanonohnosirdefinitelynot. Gary Stu. Why can’t I just become Tang and get it over with…]
The device began heating rapidly, so the Fisherman rushed to deactivate it and shove it away.
At that moment the Angel alarm began to blare, prompting a flurry of activity by the NERV personnel. Shinji made some (somewhat sensible) protests about working with Issei while Misato got increasingly irritated at him for disobeying orders. After Shinji took offence to her telling him to "Listen to issei! He's making more sense than you!!!" she took off her shirt, revealing her ‘HUUGE tits’.
“What in the…?” Evie muttered. “I don’t think that’s even remotely in character… I mean… do I really need to even describe why?”
The Fisherman wasn’t really listening. “Huh?” he replied, staring at the attractive figure in front of him.
“Er, oh, yes. Charge for… having Misato expose herself to half the senior staff of NERV and distracting PPC Agents from their job.”
By this point Shinji had passed out with shock, and so Issei dragged him off toward the Eva cages as the Agents took a look at the demon on the viewscreen.
The 2 Eva's were now on Tokyo 3 and there was the demon. he was totally blank and was made of nothing but FIRE! He was so bright that both kids almost went blind from looking at it!
The Word World struggled to make sense of a creature that was ‘blank’ and yet on fire. What it created resembled a silhouette-like white humanoid figure with flames emanating from its surface. It was facing off with Units 01 and 02 at the edge of Tokyo-3.
“Hold on,” the Fisherman said as he watched Unit-01 rush the creature. “So Issei can somehow sync with Asuka’s Eva?”
“Duh, he’s a Stu. He could probably sync with all three Evas simultaneously,” Evie replied.
“Don’t give him ideas.”
"Think before you act stupid!!!" Issei shouted and grabed his knife. he set the cordinates to -10000 degress on the knife and threw it to the demon. It went into the demons stomach and Gapos yelled.
The knife spun backwards rapidly in the air in an attempt to process the description before flying toward the demon-thing. Said demon-thing retaliated by launching streams of flame at both Evangelions.
Shinji’s Unit ducked out of the way and retrieved what appeared to be a ridiculously oversized fire hose from behind a building. The Agents learned that was indeed the case when Issei used it to douse the strange creature in water.
It made the Demon turn into smoke as it screamed in pane and agony. "I'll.....get..........you......!!!!!"
“Screamed in… ‘pane’?” Evie muttered as the demon suddenly became trapped in a huge pane of glass.
“Can we just move ahead to the next scene already,” the Fisherman said, watching the demon go through a thoroughly melodramatic death sequence. “I think I can feel my brain cells committing suicide in protest at what I’m seeing.”
“And we both know you can’t afford for that to happen,” Evie muttered, earning her a withering look from her partner.
“Oi. Less snark, more holes in reality.”
They re-emerged not far from where they were before: under the command podium looking up at Ikari and Fuyutsuki.
"So what are we going to do
about the missing demon?!?!?!?!?" Shinij yelled.
Just then a sound was heard somewhere. everyone looked for wherew it came from and they saw Asuka wearing the hospitle robe and with messed up hair. she had dark eyes and a weird look on her face.
Asuka stumbled into the command centre covered in a gown that seemed to be soaked with water.
“Huh? Oh… spittle. Eww,” Evie thought out loud.
Asuka growled and sayed "I am not asuka! I the the great demon lord Jizujo. I will KILL all of you! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!"
The Fisherman’s face suddenly drained of colour as he scanned the upcoming Words. “Did you take the SimGen back to DoSAT?”
“Er, I was going to, but I forgot, I think it’s still in the bag.”
“Good.” He rummaged through said bag until he found the small device. Pointing one mirror at Asuka and another at the floor next to them he pushed the red button on the side of the cube. Canon!Asuka appeared unconscious at the Agents’ feet while the duplicate began menacing the NERV crew.
“What was all that about?” Evie asked.
“Just watch.” The Agents did just that as demon!Asuka disarmed Gendo with a tentacle-arm before having her head atomised by a shot from Issei.
“What did that thing fire, compressed C4?” Evie asked as she took in the scene of ‘blood going EVERYWHERE!!!!’ as her head ‘expolded’. “Anyway, getting back to the point: canons can’t die.”
“Yeah, but would you really have wanted to collect all the little bits and hand them over to Doctor Fitz?”
The Fisherman bent down to examine canon!Asuka. “She’s out cold,” he declared. “She should be fine really, I guess she reverted to her canon state after being removed from the Stu’s influence…”
“What are we going to do with her?”
“Put her back in the hospital room and hope nobody notices before we clean everything up?”
“Worth a try,” Evie agreed, readying the Remote Activator and opening a portal beneath Asuka’s body.
“Wha? You can’t just go dropping canon characters through portals like that, especially not ones in her state!”
“She’ll only come out a few centimeters above her bed, don’t worry. I’m very good with portals.” She winked.
Her partner simply sighed and returned his attention to the fic. “Am I the only one slightly worried by how easily Issei murdered a fellow pilot, demon or no demon?”
“To be fair, it was probably the sensible thing to do. An enemy in NERV’s command centre is a Very Bad Thing, look at what happened with Kaworu: he could easily have caused the apocalypse if it weren’t for his last minute change of heart. Then again why demon!Asuka decided to walk in and declare herself as an enemy is anyone’s guess.”
“Because nothing in this fic makes anything approaching sense?”
“Ah, yes. That’d be it.”
By this point the characters had finished their over-the-top and rather insincere angst over Asuka’s death.
The pair ended up in Gendo Ikari’s cavernous office.
“Talk about bad taste…” Evie muttered, staring at the Tree of Life etched into the ceiling.
Issei stormed into the room and shouted
"I can't believe we had to kill ASUKA!!!"
Gendo sayed "Yes we are nerv and fight demons and we must do this to save mankind"
“I think that’s probably the most in-character line in this whole fic,” the Fisherman mused. “OK the breathless delivery doesn’t help, but I mean I doubt Ikari Senior would actually have a problem with summarily killing Asuka if she became a threat.”
"But I din't wont to save man!!! I LOVE SHINJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!"
“What does that have to do with it?” Evie said. “Surely if he loves Shinji he’d want to save the planet so that they could be together, or something like that.”
“Something for the charge list…” the Fisherman muttered, scribbling it down. As he looked up Issei was aiming his pistol at the Commander’s head. Evie rushed to retrieve the SimGen from the pack, but the Fisherman stopped her. “Not necessary this time. Watch.”
Issei calmly pulled the trigger, and Gendo’s head snapped back from the force.
“See, a trip to Medical and he’ll be fine.”
“I hope you’re right, Fish,” Evie said. “I don’t want to be brought up in front of some plant on charges. Do they even do that? Or just put you on the most horrible duty imaginable until the end of time?”
“Stop worrying – we’ll wait until Issei leaves and then get him out of here.”
Then a alamr went off and a voice sayed "ANOTHER DEMON CUMS!!!!"
The two Agents gave each other a sideways glance. “I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know,” the Fisherman began muttering to himself.
Issei sayed shit and got into the closet!
True to the Words, Issei expelled something that was disturbingly brown in appearance from his mouth and then ran into a closet that had appeared in the back wall of Gendo’s office.
“There isn’t enough ‘what’ in the multiverse to express what I’m feeling right now,” Evie snarked.
“Now’s our chance,” her partner said, grabbing the RA and heading over to Gendo’s body. He opened a portal in the floor next to it and stuck his head through.
He was looking down at a rather surprised nurse in one of HQ’s Medical Department wards.
“What are you doing up there?” she asked.
“Preparing to make a drop-off – mind putting a bed under here?” the Fisherman replied.
She stared at him for a moment before wheeling one of the free beds over to the portal.
The two agents worked together to get the Commander’s body into the right orientation to land properly on the bed, and dropped him through the portal.
“What’s wrong with him?” the nurse shouted.
“Tip: start with the hole in his head and work from there,” the Fisherman replied.
“And make sure he gets back to the Evangelion continuum. The Doc will know,” Evie added before closing the portal.
They landed back in the main NERV command centre; Issei, Shinji and Misato were talking after effortlessly destroying another ‘demon’.
She drank some coffeee and sayed "Guess what!!! Risuko out'of prison now we can party!!!!!"
“Waitwhat?” Evie said. “Since when was Ritsuko in prison?”
“No idea,” the Fisherman whispered as he snuck up behind Risuko the mini-Sachiel and grabbed it by the scruff of its neck. “We’re getting quite a collection.” He portalled the creature back to the TARDIS. “I hope they’re not using those angel-beams in there… we’ll have to get some kind of containment unit.”
Then they went home and Ristuko was there and had a bunch of beer.
The sudden unmarked scene change again caused the Agents to end up in a heap on the floor.
Evie looked up to find herself confronted with another mini-Sachiel, which promptly unleashed a weak angel-beam, singing her hair. “What is it with these things?” she said getting to her feet. “Why do they only do that to me!”
“No idea, maybe it’s their way of showing affection?” the Fisherman snarked.
“Oh yeah, unprovoked violence, very affectionate!”
“Well you’d know.”
“Oi!” She rolled her eyes and portalled the mini away before it could do any further damage.
A second later the pair were hit with a rapid temporal fluctuation, causing the world around them to shimmer and distort.
“I. Hate. Temporal. Shifts,” the Fisherman said, rubbing his head in the vain hope that the headache-like feeling would go away.
“Says the man with a time machine!”
“A TARDIS is a sophisticated ship sailing on the sea of space-time. The Suvian method is a dinghy with a nuclear-powered outboard motor.”
The scene had changed to Shinji’s
bedroom. Inexplicably, Issei and Shinji had evidently been sleeping together.
shinji nodded and sayed "Yeah and we have to kill our friends and my dad even thou he was a asshole and I'm glad he died. I still say it sucks!!!!!!!!" I hope that never happens to you shinji and he sayed "Yeah me too!!!!!" Then they kissed and had sex.
“No. There are lots of things I could say right now, but let’s just go with ‘no’.” Evie said as she watched the two boys engage in sex so completely devoid of emotion that they could have been robots.
The Fisherman meanwhile was frantically searching the bag for something. He eventually retrieved the Neuralyzer and turned it on himself.
“Nope!” his partner continued as she snatched the device away before it could be activated.
“Can we kill it yet?” the Fisherman sighed, his voice barely audible.
Then Misato kicked Kaji in the balls and he spit them out and sayed "No way man I love Hyuga now!!!! He's my man!!!!!!!!!!!"
“What the…?” the Fisherman said, reaching for the CAD.
[Ryoji Kaji. Male human. Canon. Wait, analyzing: Dead. Wait. What. Character Replacement. Recommendation: wait and see.]
“Thought so,” he continued. “Kaji is supposed to be dead. We have a zombie!”
“Er, yay?” Evie replied. “So what do we do with it.”
Thenm Kaji exploded and a demon came out and sayed "Hahahahahaha!!! I'll take you hostej!!!!!!"
It took several seconds for the Agents to recover from the experience of being splattered with a large amount of blood, which covered the area as if it had been released from a high-pressure tank.
“I guess we don’t have to do anything,” Evie said.
“Does NERV still have showers?” the Fisherman said slowly.
“I damn well hope so,” Evie replied.
The ‘demon’ disappeared in a flash taking Misato with it.
It took the Agents a few minutes to find the nearest shower facilities, close to the EVA cages in what they assumed was the pilot changing area. Removing and resetting their disguises with the D.O.R.K.S. cleaned their clothes very effectively, however their skin remained stubbornly coated in blood.
“At least it’s just anime blood, I shudder to think what we’d have had to deal with if it’d been a World-One-type human back there,” the Fisherman said as he and Evie showered. The male and female rooms were separate, but close enough together for them to hear each other.
“True. Of course if our life actually was an anime, this would be the perfect fanservice episode,” Evie shouted back.
“I’m trying really hard to forget you just said that.”
After finishing their showers and re-establishing their disguises the Agents portalled back to the action.
They emerged in an intensely hot, dimly lit cavern. Shinji, Issei and (for no apparent reason) Hyuga were a few metres ahead of them.
“And just where are we now?” Evie muttered.
“Hell,” the Fisherman replied. “No, seriously. Well, OK, ‘the bwles of hell’ to be exact.”
After a few minutes of wandering, the canons came upon the
demon that had been using Kaji’s body as a disguise.
But Issei had a plan. He didn't want to use his powers rifht now but I guerss he had to! SO, HE PUT HIS HANDS TOGETHER AND A SHOWER OF LIGHT PENTRATED HIS BODY AS HE SAYED "I NEED YOURE POWERS, MIGHTY ANGELS WHO DIED BEFORE ME!!!!!!!"
In a flash of light, Evangelion Units 01 and 02 materialised next to their respective pilot.
“How did he do that?” the Fisherman said. “Wait. ‘Angels who died before me’? Please, please don’t tell me that Issei is an…” His voice was drowned out by Shinji unloading a full pallet gun clip into the demon.
“If he is,” Evie began. “How are we going to kill him? Not exactly easy to do in an Angel.”
A second later, the Fisherman’s eyes lit up. “I have an idea. Well, actually, I have two.”
“You mean you actually have a plan for this one?”
Everyone was in Misatos house,
Issei, shinji, Misato, Futski, Hyuga, Risuko, and Penpen. They were all sitting
on the couches and chairs ready to hear Issei's story.
Issei gulped and fanned himself. Should he tell them? He didn't know? What to do, what to do, what to do.........then he tol,d them. "I am the 18th angel!!!!!"
“And you’ll be going the way of the other 17!” Evie shouted as she stepped out from the kitchen, the SEP field dispelled. “Issei Mataloun, alternately known as the 18th Angel and/or Marty Stu. You are hereby charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following: introducing a ridiculous and implausible secondary enemy group to the Neon Genesis Evangelion continuum, willingly ignoring the canonical conclusion to the series in order to do so, pulling all the main characters wildly out of character, particularly Shinji, having absolutely no sense of scale, being able to sync with Evangelion Unit 02 with no explanation, ignoring and breaking the laws of physical reality, keeping Ryoji Kaji alive beyond his canonical death, making Shinji fall in love with you, ignoring the mechanics of sexual intercourse, creating an extracanonical dimension, being able to transport to and from this dimension at will, being an extracanonical Angel, creating a number of mini-Sachiels, defiling the English Language through an innumerable number of technical errors, using the question and exclamation mark quota for an entire library in one fic, disturbing PPC Agents, indirectly distracting PPC Agents from their job, covering PPC Agents in bodily fluids and generally being an annoying brat.”
“who are you????” Issei said, struggling to his feet.
“Weren’t you listening?” the Fisherman replied. “We’re PPC Agents. Now die.” He pulled the knife that Evie had replicated earlier from his pocket and drove it deep into Issei’s chest.
Several seconds passed in silence. “no.”
“im an Angel, you cant kill me that easy.” Issei began to glow, hovering about a foot from the ground. Six bright yellow wings erupted from his back and he drifted toward the window. “I’m Issei Mataloun, 18th angel, now die.”
The Agents dove into the kitchen, narrowly avoiding Issei’s Angel-beam.
“Plan B, I think!” the Fisherman shouted.
“That was your plan A?!”
“Figured that his Angel characterisation wasn’t fully established yet, and that he’d be as vulnerable as a human.”
Evie shook her head, retrieved the Remote Activator and activated the comm link. “Chase? You there? What’s the word on our backup plan?”
There was a few seconds of static before an indistinct voice came through. “We only just got that deployment system operational, and I have no idea how the thing itself will react. You sure about this?”
“No!” She looked up at her partner. “But it’s all we’ve got. I’m sending you the coordinates now.”
They rushed to the balcony and looked down. A large portal had opened on the ground, and a pink and silver mecha was being raised through it. Once its shoulders were level with where the Agents were, the entry plug ejected.
“Fish, I think it’s better if Evie pilots it. Even with the modifications, your biology is probably a bit too… alien.” Chase said. “The modifications we made should make this one much easier to pilot than the canon Evas. No promises, though.”
“You know what to do,” Evie said as she somewhat reluctantly climbed into the cramped tube. “Neuralyze the canons and get them out of here. I’ll deal with this… thing.” The Fisherman nodded, heading back inside.
The plug closed and retracted just as Issei blasted through the wall of the apartment block and hung in front of Unit-14’s face.
“this is what you plan to use against me??????” Issei shouted, in a voice that sounded less and less human with every syllable. His eyes glowed a solid white as a visible AT-field came into existence around him.
Evie had by this point managed to sync with the heavily modified Eva. It felt strange to her, as though she was both the puppet and the puppeteer at the same time. She brought her hands up and attempted to activate Unit-14’s own AT-field. Nothing. Anticipating another Angel-beam shot, she leapt sideways, only just managing to keep her balance. The controls felt laggy, like trying to play a video game at about 20 frames per second.
Issei laughed. “you idiot. You dont even know what your doing with that thing!!!” He flew toward the Eva’s head at an alarming speed and began punching its helmet. Despite the size difference he managed to do considerable damage, until Evie was able to pry him off and send him flying against a nearby building. “now im just mad!!!!!!”
“Yeah, imagine how I feel,” the Agent replied through the Eva’s external speakers. “I’ve been forced to sit through all your crap, been covered in God only knows what, and now I’m sitting inside a giant clone of someone’s mother. Not my best day.” She punched the floating Angel, pushing slowly through its AT-field. Eventually she was able to make contact and grab two of its wings, ripping them clean off.
“aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Issei screamed, a massive amount of red liquid pouring from the wound. After a second or so it stopped, and a large wing regrew in place of the previous two. The creature now hung lopsided in the air, a thoroughly inhuman sight. “I was going to save humanity from the demons but now I think you can all just die. I only want SHINJI!!!!” The creature’s arms lashed out, extended well beyond their natural length, wrapping themselves around Unit-14’s torso.
“Oh no you don’t,” Evie muttered. She reached into the shoulder pauldron and retrieved the progressive knife. It took several seconds to sever both rubber-like arms completely, by which point Issei had charged an Angel-beam; releasing it, he sent the Evangelion flying down the street. It came to rest in a heap against a residential block roughly half a mile away.
The Angel slowly glided toward Evie, its wings of light growing with each passing second. “you are nothing and you will be returned to nothing. I shall bring about the perfect end, where shinji and I can be happy for all time.”
“Heh, the spiteful angel’s litany indeed…” Evie muttered. But then had a sudden thought. Her Eva had an S2 engine. Issei was an Angel. If he managed to merge with it, he could quite literally end the world and recreate it in his own image. An entire world remade in a Suvian mold. She scrambled to get her Unit upright. “No.”
“what do you mean?????”
“No. That is not going to happen.” She deployed her AT-field and extended it outward with her new-found resolve. Issei found himself unable to do anything as he was thrown violently into the air. As gravity took over, Evie rushed to catch the falling Angel, doing so by grasping its legs.
Issei closed his energy wings around Unit-14’s head. “why do they hate????” his voice boomed inside Evie’s mind.
“What?” she more thought than said.
“Your kind. They hate. Hunt and kill over and over and over and over and over…”
Evie could feel Issei searching her mind, groping around for something to use against her. “Oh no,” she shouted. “My mind is very much closed to rapists.” She retrieved her prog knife from where it lay on the ground and drove it clear through Issei’s chest. His lower body disintegrated into a pool of red liquid, and a white spiral tail-like construct grew in its place.
“my love for shinji will protect me!!!!” Issei closed his eyes and appeared to be concentrating hard. Evie suddenly felt as though she was holding a burning rock, she loosened her grip on impulse after a few seconds. The Angel folded its wings forward into a kind of blade, and pushed against the Evangelion’s weakened AT-field.
As Evie pushed all her mental energy into maintaining the barrier between her and the Angel’s weapon, she heard the Fisherman’s voice boom from outside. She looked up to see the TARDIS hovering above a nearby lamp-post. “Shinji, this is very important: what do you see down there?”
“Er… an Eva? And… is that an Angel?”
“That thing would destroy all of humanity. What do you feel about it?”
“I… I don’t know!”
“Do you love it? Care for it?”
“Of course not! The Angels have to be destroyed!”
“Kaworu was an Angel…”
“He was different!” Shinji screamed. “He wasn’t like the others.”
“Does that Angel look like the others?”
“Er… I guess so.”
Issei’s attention flicked up toward the floating TARDIS, still disguised as a fridge. “oh no you don’t!!!” He directed an Angel-beam at the ship. No effect
“Nice try, Issei!” the Fisherman said. “It’ll take more than that to get in here.”
“Issei?” Shinji asked. “Who’s Issei…”
“shinji… but you loved me… you showed that love for me…” Issei said.
Evie seized the moment while her opponent was distracted to push forward, crushing and destroying Issei’s wings as she did so. Once within range, she wasted no time in impaling the Angel through the head. Its core visibly destroyed, it slowly turned a metallic black before floating to the ground.
The two Agents watched as the damaged Unit-14 was slowly lowered into a massive portal by several technicians, presumably back into the DoSAT hangar for repairs.
“So how did it feel?” the Fisherman asked, bundling a rather confused Shinji Ikari out of the TARDIS doors.
“Weird. I can’t really describe it.”
“I suppose you should be used to massive robotic… things, though really? You know, having been one and all.”
“That was a long time ago.”
Inside the TARDIS, Brian the mini-Sparklewolf was prowling around a group of mini-Sachiels, growling and keeping them tightly huddled together.
“Seems he is useful for something after all!” the Fisherman said as he worked quickly to re-attach the replicator to the central console. Brian barked loudly in what appeared to be agreement. “I disabled your little ‘modifications’ and tried to reset things, so at least we should be able to use it.”
“Hmm…” his partner did not seem convinced. “Bleeprin,” she requested. There was a shimmer, and a banana manifested itself in the cavity. “What.”
“Try it!” the Fisherman said, giggling.
Evie did so. “Well, it certainly tastes of Bleeprin…”
“Well, once we’ve dropped the Minis off at the Adoption Centre you can replicate some more for the canteen. I’m sure people would love some memory-erasing fruit after eating the crap that the kitchen serves up. I mean meat from R’lyeh?”
“Ew…” Evie muttered.
“Yeah, my reaction exactly. If they ever try to give you meat that moves when you’re not looking at it, don’t let them.”
“What about the meat that moves when you are looking at it?”
One detour to the Adoption Centre and many singed hairs later, the mini-Sachiels were safely locked in an Angel-energy proof cell and out of the way of the two Agents.
“Right, I’m going for a nap,” Evie said. “Stupid limited human body, needing sleep.”
“You know it’s probably a bad idea to actually say that, right?” her partner replied.
At that moment the Cloister Bell began tolling, and the viewscreen lit up with an incoming message.