PPC Department of Floaters, SOD

Mission #3 - The Melancholy of Bella Swan (Haruhi Suzumiya/Twilight x-over)

The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, we're just playing in their awesome sandbox! Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is Nagaru Tanigawa's. Oh, and today's fic is the property of 'sammisu' on FFN. She's welcome to it. Please, keep it!

“Well I suppose we should think of a name for him,” Evie said as she fed the mini-sparklewolf some replicated cereal. For some reason he had pointedly refused to eat any meat whatsoever, and had at one point ran away in disgust.

“What?” the Fisherman replied absent-mindedly.

“Well we can’t call him EDWARD CULLENS, can we?”

“How about Brian?”

“Brian? Why?”

“As in BRIAN BLESSED!” The Fisherman attempted an impression of the actor.

Evie laughed. “I suppose it’s as good as any other.” The TARDIS landed. “Well then Brian, time to go talk to a tree.”

The agents emerged from the TARDIS into a large office, followed closely by Brian. The room was almost completely bare, save for a wall-to-wall filing cabinet and a small watering can. On the desk in the centre of the office sat the Bonsai Monkey Puzzle Tree, a foot-high, potted, sentient plant.

“Ah, I see you finally got here,” the Tree said, in the ‘voice from nowhere’ style common to all Flowers.

“Yes, you wanted to see us?” the Fisherman replied.

“I wanted to ask you about your last mission. At what point did you think that taking non-canonical weapons into an already unstable continuum was a good idea?”

“At the same point that we were confronted with a large angry troll that was about to smash us into paste!”

“Plenty of other agents manage to deal with similar creatures using canonical methods, why couldn’t you?”

“Canonical methods?” Evie said. “What did you expect us to do, sparkle the thing to death?”

“I expected you to think of something.”

“We did,” she shot back. “We terminated the troll as quickly as possible to prevent ongoing damage to the continuum.”

“Well, I didn’t bring you here just to listen to your waffling. I brought you here to tell you what I’m going to do about it.”

“Let me guess,” the Fisherman said. “More horrible fics?”

“Well, let’s just say that you are pretty much the only Agents with  the relevant experience to deal with this fic.”

“Not another troll?” the Fisherman asked.

“No. Just a big mess. I hope you were listening during Disentanglement training.”

“What training?” Evie snarked.

“Less snark, more vworp. Get going.”

The Agents decided to do just that before the Flower decided that it had been too kind and gave them an even worse punishment, such as permanent secondment to the Mortal Instruments division.

Almost as soon as the TARDIS had dematerialised, the Cloister Bell began to toll, indicating their new mission. The Fisherman brought up the details on the viewscreen.

Continua: Haruhi Suzumiya/Twilight
Fic title: The melancholy of bella swan
Reference: FFN
Notes: Remember to ask $deity what you did to deserve this.

“Well at least now I get what the Monkey Puzzle meant by us having the experience. I’d still rather be shoved into an Intelligence Incinerator than go anywhere near this thing, but what can we do,” Evie said, sighing.

“Run, hide, cry?” the Fisherman unhelpfully offered before reluctantly setting the coordinates and changing course. “All of the above?”


“You know, even the idea of this… thing, fills me with… aaaargh!” the Fisherman said, ranting as he and his partner packed up their equipment after landing.

“I can’t imagine why,” Evie replied.

“No, seriously. Someone took something awesome, namely Haruhi Suzumiya, and combined it with something absolutely terrible! Why?”

“You know, the idea of that crossover by itself isn’t necessarily bad,” Evie offered. The Fisherman just looked at her, apparently unsure of whether she had finally reverted to her canon-self’s psychotic state. “Think about it. Haruhi wants to meet supernatural things, what better than a sparkly vampire? More to the point, how to most of the SOS Brigade’s adventures end?”

“With some kind of universe-endangering predicament,” the Fisherman replied, slowly catching on.

“Exactly, a perfect excuse to at least give them a scare, and at best send them into some inter-dimensional space from which they will never escape.”

“That’s brilliant! Slightly terrifying that you’ve actually thought about it, but brilliant nonetheless.”

“Oh I think about all sorts of stuff all the time. One of the benefits of being a cyborg: parallel processing. Like now, one thread is dealing with this conversation, and another is calculating the number of degrees through which you will need to move your body to avoid getting hit by two kilos of sparkly wolf. 34.5.”

“Whaa….” *whoomph*

Brian had jumped from the upper level of the console room and landed spreadeagled on the Fisherman’s head. He wasn’t quite sure whether the mini-wolf was aiming for his head or not, the only thing he was sure of was that he wanted it off.

“Brian, stay here,” he said once the mini was safely on the floor. “Here.” He walked over to the replicator and ordered a motorised dog toy, set it on the floor and let it go. The small cat-shaped thing went careering off around the room, with Brian hot on its heels. “There. Sorted.”


The Agents stepped out of the TARDIS into Haruhi and Kyon’s classroom. The SEP field around them was obviously working, as despite having walked out of a small cabinet in full view of the entire class, nobody took any notice.

“Well here we are again… it’s always such a pleasure,” Evie sung softly.

“Remember when you tried to kill me twice,” the Fisherman continued with a pointed glance at Evie.

“Hey, I only tried to kill you once. So far.”

Haruhi's face light up, as she grabbed the back of kyon's shirt, causing him to fall backwards on her desk. Kyon started yelling at her "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?" Haruhi smiles and says, while spinning her finger around(who knows why?) "You were absent yesterday. A stinkin' twilight character TRANSFERRED TO OUR SCHOOL!"

As the Agents recovered from the sudden tense shift, it slowly dawned on them exactly how much they wanted to aim a flamethrower in the direction of the Bonsai Monkey Puzzle Tree.

“So, an ostensibly fictional character – as evidenced by Haruhi knowing about Twilight – somehow transfers into North High. A fictional character from North America just suddenly transfers to a school in Japan. Yup, no problems here. How about you, Evie?”

Evie was busy rooting around in the bag for her CAD, which she eventually found and activated. “We’ll need  to keep track of the reality disruption level. If it gets too high we could easily get zapped out of spacetime. You of all people should appreciate how not-fun that would be.”

“And that thing can do that?”

“It’s just technology, if not I will make it do that.”

[Reality Dysfunction Index: 1.7787887]

“Right, at least now we’ll get a warning before reality folds in on itself and we both end up as Tang,” Evie said, putting the CAD in her pocket.

Most of the class looked at haruhi and kyon, as haruhi said "BELLA SWAN JOINED THE SOS BRIGADE!" in a happy voice, as she pointed to a girl sitting next to her. By the way, the girl (who was obviously bella), had her hand on haruhi's chair, and she sitting so close to haruhi that nobody noticed. And I think you can figure out where she would move her hand if she thought haruhi would let her.

‘Bella’, despite having no description, did look vaguely like an anime version of the Twilight canon character. Evie wondered whether this was the Word World grasping desperately to maintain some semblance of consistency.

“Wait… why the hell does Bella seem to be attracted to Haruhi? Charge,” the Fisherman muttered, scribbling the charge on a small notepad along with the several others the fic had picked up so far.

[Bella Swan. Continuum: Twilight. Female human. Canon. Out-of-character 20.6%.]

[Haruhi Suzumiya. Continuum: Haruhi Suzumiya series. Female <no record on file>. Canon. Out-of-character 7.2%.]

“Let’s move on,” Evie said, and before he could object, the Fisherman found himself falling through the floor and landing in an undignified heap at the back of the SOS Brigade clubroom.

“Wha?” he said as he rearranged his limbs and stood up.

“Easier than walking to a portal in the wall,” Evie said smiling. “What’s the problem?  I managed to land properly.”

“You knew it was coming! And you’re used to portals!”

“Meh, excuses, excuses.”

The door opened super fast and there was bella, running in extremely fast in the room as if she was late for a meeting with some sort of god or goddess. She was also holding a very pretty dress, and said, with a smile "I GOT A NEW COSTUME FOR MIKURU! I THINK ITS MUCH CUTER AND MORE MOE THAN ANY OTHER SHE HAS WORN!" Next thing you know, bella is saying "COME ON, MIKURU CHAN! TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND PUT ON THESE!" while trying to strip mikuru and pull her dress off.

“So now Bella has taken over Haruhi’s role as Mikuru-molester?” Evie said. “Could this thing get any more confused?” Her CAD began bleeping.

[Reality Dysfunction Index: 3.652525. Laws of physical reality liable to fluctuations. Time until dimensional collapse at current RDI: 3 weeks, 2 days, 1 hour, 45 minutes]

“Well that’s just great,” the Fisherman said as Evie showed him the CAD’s display. “We’d better collect the charges quick and sort this mess out before we end up trapped in this trainwreck. Hang on, gimme that for a sec.” He took the CAD and pointed it at Bella.

[Bella Swan. Continuum: Twilight Sparkle. Female human. Canonnnnnnope. Character replacementttttttwhymeicouldhavebeenatoasterbutnoooo.]

“Eeyup, as I thought,” he continued. “Well, at least that means we get to kill it.”

Haruhi put a bookmark in her book and looked at mikuru chan "Where did you get that dress, mikuru-chan?"

“Maybe from the girl who just molested her in front of you, Haruhi?” the Fisherman said, writing down the charge of ‘making Haruhi inobservant and/or stupid’. “One thing Haruhi Suzumiya is not, is stupid.”

“Er… Fish?” Evie said, peering out of the window behind Haruhi’s desk. “Problem.”

Outside, several areas of the school were fluctuating between being animated and ‘real’.

The Fisherman sighed. “Inevitable really. Always a danger with crossing anime and World One derived continua, especially if it’s done badly. Best to avoid any areas in flux, I’d rather not be thrown into the Twilight-verse. Check the RDI.”

[Reality Dysfunction Index: 4.88888. Cross-contamination likely. Physical laws likely to be in constant flux. Time until dimensional collapse at current RDI: 1 day, 6 hours, 3 minutes, 2 seconds]

“Over a whole level in a few minutes?” Evie said, eyes wide.

“Well this thing is hardly well-conceived, I’m surprised it held together for so long. No attention was paid to how Bella got here, and Twilight remaining fictional with one of its characters running around in the continuum isn’t going to help matters!” The Fisherman took a deep breath.

The Agents were blindsided by a sudden scene change, the typical nauseating shift made even worse by the increasingly loose fabric of reality.

"Lets play baseball at my house! –edward" Bella stands on haruhi's desk and shows the paper to everyone, smiling, and says "EDWARD MADE A BET WITH ME. THE ONE WHO WINS AT BASEBALL WINS AND GETS 5 DOLLARS! BUT WE NEED MORE TEAM MEMBERS! SO THIS IS WHAT I DID. I FOUND US ANOTHER SOS BRIGADE MEMBER!" Bella jumps off the desk and goes outside the club room, and brings in a girl. She was holding a book that said "The melancholy of haruhi suzumiya" in Japanese on the cover.

At this moment, the world began to swim slightly in the Agents’ vision.

“Now what?” Evie said, exasperated.

“More reality dysfunction. It’s a bad idea to introduce canon information and foreknowledge directly into a continuum, worse still to do so in an unstable one, and to do it twice is just asking to have the thing fall on your head.”

Various objects within the clubroom began to fade out of existence, only to be replaced with random ‘real life’ objects. Several objects were swapped with cutlery, ostensibly due to Twilight being set in Forks coupled with the Ironic Overpower having some fun.

By the way, the baseball game is in forks. So we all need to hold hands and just teleport there together, because the game is not in japan. Bella held a device in her hand, putting the other one around haruhi's arm. Haruhi held mikuru's hand. Mikuru held yuki's hand, who held itsuki's hand, who of course held kyon's hand. Kyon held Rosalie's hand.

The Agents braced themselves for a particularly nasty scene shift, but after several seconds nothing had happened. They opened their eyes to see that although all of the SOS Brigade characters had disappeared, the fic hadn’t actually moved on to the next scene.

“Do you think they’re all just scrambled somewhere?” Evie asked. “Lost in transmission? I hope so, then we can just pack up and go home.”

“No… not that simple. Badly marked scene change in an unstable continuum being made even more so by a frakking teleportation device from nowhere!” The Fisherman shouted, not needing to worry about the SEP field.

[Reality Dysfunction Index: 5.3595959595. Don’t rely on gravity. Time until dimensional collapse at current RDI: 3 hours, 2 minutes, 19 seconds]

“Can we portal to the correct place?” Evie asked, tapping at the Remote Activator.

“Try it.”

The Agents fell slowly through a portal into a black void. A few seconds passed before they emerged into a version of Forks in which almost everything was fluctuating between a real and animated state. The SOS Brigade plus extras were a few feet away. Bella was flipping through a book with a thoroughly disgusted expression on her face.

"Bella swan? Edward cullen? WHAT THE BLEEP? Im gonna give stephenie meyer a piece of my mind! Who does she think she is, blah blah blah. Hmph!" Bella put her hands on her waist, and said "I guess we will have to just ask random girls on the street if they are stephenie meyer.

Bella ran over to a tramp leaning against a wall on the other side of the road and asked him if he was Stephenie Meyer.

the man said "Oh Stephen moker? Yeh I knim that man. We always used to be eachother and get drunk and pour ice cream on eachother and…and

“What,” both Agents said together. The world around them began to warp and slide as if slowly liquefying.

“Evie?” the Fisherman said, staring over his partner’s shoulder at a half-cel-shaded lamp post. “The world is melting.”

What?” Evie said, spinning around. Sure enough, the lamp post was rapidly taking on the consistency of thick mud, sliding toward the ground as if in a Dali painting.

The Fisherman ran over and prodded the substance. “It’s custard!” he declared. “Scenery custard!”

“I don’t think the Suethor is even making an attempt to maintain a sense of coherency, and with the Twilight-verse not exactly known for its canonical consistency, there’s not enough… I dunno, sense, left to hold the world together,” Evie lamented.

“How long do you think we’ve got?” the Fisherman asked.

[Reality Dysfunction Index: 7.89101112. Remote Activators Everything likely to malfunction. Don’t eat the scenery. Time until dimensional collapse at current RDI: 40 minutes if you’re lucky.]

The Fisherman took a look at the Words. “Scene change coming up, do you think we should portal, given what happened last time?”

“With reality in this state, I’d be surprised if we didn’t end up portalling to the centre of the planet,” Evie said, attempting to get her Remote Activator to display sensible coordinates.

“Hmm… I have an idea,” the Fisherman said, grabbing his own RA.

“Why does that not fill me with joy?”

 “Ha, funny. I think the reason we had a problem last time was that both sides of the portal were in unstable realities. If we go via somewhere stable, we may have a chance.”

“Like where, the whole of both continua are probably falling apart.”

“So we go outside them. We go through the Reality Room in HQ.”

“Aah, I see,” Evie said, her face lighting up. “The most stable place… anywhere, probably.”

“Exactly. We can’t both go at once, if we both leave the fic who knows what will happen. I’ll go first, you follow me after about 30 seconds. If it all goes wrong… er, well we’ll just have to think of something else.” He opened a portal in one of the few patches of ground not covered in molten scenery, and jumped through, emerging in a large white room. It reminded him strongly of a TARDIS Zero Room, which was unsurprising seeing as the two were based on similar technology. He took a few seconds to relax in the room’s calm atmosphere before opening another portal back to the fic.


“When we get out of this mess, I’m going to spend a long time in that room,” Evie said as she stepped out of her portal back into the SOS Brigade clubroom. Nothing here was melting, although it was still fluctuating in style, with the changes increasing in frequency.

“Interesting,” the Fisherman said as Evie squeezed past Haruhi to join him. “Seems like anime continua can endure a higher RDI before completely unravelling. I suppose that makes sense.”

they came in, Rosalie wearing a maid outfit similar to mikuru's (rosalie's was pink, however), and alice was with them. Alice said "They told me I should join. Plus my friend Samantha wants to join to." (Samantha is me lol). "Well what are you waiting for? And where is Samantha?" said haruhi. Alice pointed at the table where Samantha was sitting. Nobody noticed her?

Samantha had long brown hair, brown eyes and was wearing a strange cardigan-tanktop-skirt combination. The air around her seemed to shimmer slightly. An effect of the increasing dimensional destabilisation, or just a byproduct of her textbook Insert!Sue status?

“Where did Alice and Rosalie come from?” the Fisherman asked. “Is there any point to asking that, given how things have been going?”

“No,” Evie replied curtly.

The CAD began to emit a high-pitched whine. “Now what?” Evie said.

[Reality Dysfunction Index: 9.911911911. WARNING: Continuum approaching absolute destabilisation point... ohgoditssoglitteryicanttakeit. Time until dimensional collapse at current RDI: start singing ‘Komm, Susser Tod’ now and you might just finish it.]

Slowly, the clubroom began to melt, just as Forks had earlier. More interesting was the fact that the canonical SOS Brigade members had suddenly noticed.

“Wha?” Kyon exclaimed, jumping to his feet as his chair disintegrated from under him.

“Miss Suzumiya, what’s going on?” Mikuru asked in that sweetly terrified voice that she always used at times like these. “Miss Nagato?”

“It appears that an external reality is exerting a deleterious influence on this one. Large amounts of corrupt or irrelevant data are flooding this universe’s reality matrix,” Nagato explained.

“Never mind that, can you fix it?” Kyon asked.


“Why not?!”

“I have no control over the data responsible… however, they do.” Nagato pointed straight at the Agents hiding behind Haruhi’s desk.

“So much for the SEP field,” the Fisherman said, stepping into the open.

“And just who are you?” Haruhi shouted. “How did you get in here and what did you do to my clubroom?”

“Nothing,” the male Agent replied. “She’s the one you want.” He pointed to Samantha.

Haruhi’s face cycled through expressions faster than the Fisherman thought possible. Shock, confusion, anger; as if she didn’t quite know how to process what was going on. “W… who are you?” she eventually forced out.

“She’s something you don’t want here,” Evie answered for the Sue. “She’s, er, trying to destroy the SOS Brigade and put an end to your mission.”

“oh no you dont,” Samantha said, standing up. “you cant delete me haruhi, this is my reality now.”

“Great, we’ve started a reality-warper bitchfight,” Evie muttered to her partner as white and glittery pink sparks began to fly from Haruhi and the Sue respectively. Within a few seconds the two girls had begun to ‘throw’ the sparks at each other, as if duelling. While this may have succeeded in distracting the Sue, it had rapidly sped up the degradation of reality, which was starting to drain of colour and liquefy at a much increased rate. “What now?”

“Er… get the others out of here until we’ve cleaned up.”

“How?” Evie tried her Remote Activator. “Portals don’t work at all now!”

“Shove them in the TARDIS for now then, they should be safe.”

Evie opened the door of the cabinet that the TARDIS had transformed into on first landing. “It’s just a cupboard.”

It’s a what?” the Fisherman said loudly, spinning around.

“Nothing there.”

“Must have disconnected from the aperture as a safety precaution.”

“Oh good,” Evie snarked. “It seems your machine has a sociopathic streak, protect itself at the expense of its pilots!”

“Hang on, I’ll try to resynchronise it,” the Fisherman said, wondering how he would get past the battling reality warpers. “Hold it!” he shouted, raising his hands. Both Haruhi and Samantha stopped flinging sparks at each other and looked at him, the former in confusion, the latter in disgust. He walked calmly over to the cupboard. “OK, carry on.” The battle resumed.

Meanwhile, the canon characters had taken refuge behind the rail of Mikuru’s cosplay outfits. Evie went over and dragged replacement-Bella out into the open. “Bella Swan, as agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, we charge you with aiding and abetting a reality-desecrating Mary Sue and managing to make Bella even more pointless than in canon. Quite an achievement. Now die.” The agent threw Bella into the crossfire, where she was almost immediately atomised by a blast from Haruhi. She was swiftly followed by the small girl who was still holding a copy of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. While she was essentially clear of any crimes against canon, with reality in such an unstable state, Evie wasn’t taking any chances.

By this point large swathes of the room had been turned into scenery-custard, leaving behind a white void and various multi-coloured puddles of sludge. Luckily for the Agents, the Word World seemed to have forgotten that the clubroom was on the second story, and therefore by rights the floor itself should have melted.

“It’s not working,” the Fisherman declared, giving up on trying to resynchronise his TARDIS with a Remote Activator.

“We need to deal with her first!” Evie shouted.

“You think?” the Fisherman shot back. “How, exactly?”

“With this!” Evie said triumphantly, picking up a baseball bat that had yet to fall victim to disintegration and rushing toward Samantha. She raised the bat above her head before bringing it crashing down... against a glittering purple shield that materialised in mid-air to intercept the blow. “Wha?”

“I dont think so,” Samantha said in a diabetes-inducing sing-song voice. The shield pulsed with energy and sent Evie flying through the air. She landed in a heap next to what remained of the SOS Brigade’s ill-gotten computer.

The Fisherman rushed to his partner’s side. Her entire body was crackling with the Sue’s energy. “You alright?” he said.

“Oh yeah, just great,” Evie snarked. “Sorry. I think so, except I can’t move my legs.”

“Well, just stay there.”

Evie wondered whether to give the obvious ‘well where am I going to go’ response, but thought better of it.

“What we really need is some way of shutting off those gorram powers,” the Fisherman continued. At that moment, he suddenly found himself holding a rubber chicken. “What.” He squeezed it, causing a rubber sac filled with white fluid to protrude from its bottom. “Great. The world is ending, reality is falling apart, but don’t worry because I have a rubber chicken that will make it all better. Thank you very much.”

“Wait,” Evie said. “Do that again.”

“What, rage and snark about our crappy situation?”

“No, fishbrain, squeeze the chicken.”

“Er… OK.” He did just that. “Feel better?”

“Look.” She pointed at the nearest bookcase, frozen in the process of turning to sludge.

“What the…”

“It’s stabilized. God knows how or why, but it has.”

“Must be the Word World,” the Fisherman said. “I’ve heard that if they get really screwed up then our will can influence reality as much as any other. I have a bad feeling about this though, we need to finish this now.” He rushed toward the Sue once more, raising the rubber chicken. Once he was within a foot or so he squeezed it again. The glittery pink energy that had been emanating from her body stopped.

 “what you do,” she said. “is that a chicken?”

“Yes. Samantha, as an agent of the PPC I hereby charge you with the following crimes against canon. Creating a poorly-conceived crossover between the Twilight and Haruhi Suzumiya continua, making both works fictional within their own continuum, giving no characterisation whatsoever to various Twilight characters, having said characters transfer to a school in a different country, replacing the character of Bella Swan with an ambiguously lesbian hyperactive cosplay fan, introducing teleportation technology to both continua with no explanation at all, bringing the author of Twilight into said continuum, suddenly inserting yourself into the fic with no explanation at all, having dialogue that makes precious little sense, causing me to say ‘what’ far more times than is good for my sanity and assaulting a PPC agent. Finally, and most grievously of all: creating a reality so dysfunctional that it begins melting under the strain. Look at it for Celestia’s sake, everything’s turned into custard!” He raised the baseball bat. “Lights out!” Thwack. The Sue collapsed, unconscious. Almost immediately, the world stopped disintegrating, and colour slowly began to return.

The Fisherman rushed back over to where Evie was sitting. “Any better?”

“Slightly, I think I can stand up,” she replied, struggling to her feet with her partner’s help. “Now, what are we going to do with her. I’d really rather find a… cleaner way of dispatching her than a baseball bat.”

“Do not worry,” a monotone voice said. The agents looked over to the fallen Sue to see Yuki Nagato standing over her. “I will delete the corrupt element.” She reached out and muttered something incomprehensible at an incredible speed. The Sue simply disintegrated, turning into dust and then into nothing at all.

“Wow,” the Fisherman said.

“You should not be surprised,” Nagato continued. “Now that reality has stabilised and my link to the Data Integration Thought Entity has been restored I am able to make changes to data as normal. However, we have a larger problem. Haruhi Suzumiya has accessed her full data creation capabilities. The Data Integration Thought Entity will inevitably attempt to utilise this capability for itself or alternatively prevent Haruhi Suzumiya from acessing it. Either outcome is undesirable.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Evie said. “We’re going to clean everything up. Er, you and you, over there, turn around, face the wall and shut your eyes.” She indicated to the two Twilight canons who did as they were told. “Ladies, gentlemen and alien robots, please look this way.” Flash. “You’ve never heard of Rosalie and Alice Cullen, Bella Swan or Samantha of no last name, you were never transported to the USA by plot-convenience-teleport device and your world has never turned into sludge as a result of reality degradation. And as always, we were never here.”


After a brief detour to retrieve canon!Bella from a plothole in Kyon and Haruhi’s classroom, the Agents herded the remaining canons into the TARDIS.

“People and sparkly vampires, please look this way,” Evie said, addressing the three Twilight canon characters. Flash. “You have never transferred to a random Japanese high school and have no knowledge of Haruhi Suzumiya, the SOS Brigade, teleportation technology or us two. When we drop you off in your own universe you will go back to your normal lives.” Evie rubbed her forehead. “Gyah, it feels like I’ve got half a nuclear reactor in my head.”

The Fisherman was currently on the upper level untangling Brian from a mass of cables. The motorized toy had evidently gotten stuck inside the access panel, causing Brian to attempt to retrieve it and get tied up in the wires therein. Several cables had been chewed through. “I hope those weren’t anything important,” he muttered, twisting them back together as best he could. As soon as he was free, Brian bounded down the spiral steps to ground level, and headed straight for the large flowerpot full of greyish-brown scenery-custard. He sniffed it, and then lapped some up before making a disgusted expression and sticking his tongue out. “Brian, best not to eat that stuff,” the Fisherman admonished. “We have no idea what it will do to you. For that matter we have no idea exactly what it is.”


The trip to the Twilight-verse was uneventful, and the Agents soon found themselves alone in the TARDIS. Except for Brian of course, who was now growling at the pot of sludge as if any minute it would attack.

“So what are you gonna do with this?” Evie asked, holding up the curious rubber chicken.

“Get it checked out by DoSAT,” her partner replied. “Might be useful, might be dangerous, might just be a rubber chicken now we’re back in a stable reality.”

“Sounds like a plan.” She walked over to the replicator. “Bleeprin, high dosage.” The machine hummed and a small orange pill appeared in the output tray. She took it and waited expectantly for it to take effect. Instead, her headache worsened dramatically and she fell to her knees, clutching her head.

“Evie!?” The Fisherman looked up to see a burst of pink sparks fly out from his partner’s body before  she collapsed completely. He flipped on the scanner and had it perform a basic medical scan.

[Subject: Evie. Overall status: Living. Immediate status: Unconscious owing to contamination by <no record on file> and subsequent interaction with Bleeprin derivative. Recommendation: I’m a scanner, not a doctor! Try House.]

Setting the TARDIS destination controls for Medical, the Fisherman sent his machine flying toward HQ at full speed. Brian sat down next to the comatose Evie and began licking her arm.


“So what exactly is that stuff?” the Fisherman asked of Doctor Fitzgerald as they examined the screen next to Evie’s bed.

“Some sort of glitter-based energy, I think,” the Doc replied. “Truth be told I’ve not really seen much like it.”

“But you said that it’ll dissipate?”

“Oh yes. Evie’s cybernetic systems seem to be very efficient at clearing it. That’s what the pink sparks and discharges are. They’re her way of venting the contamination. Unfortunately she can’t do that and remain conscious.”

“Any idea how long it will take?”

“Anywhere from six days to about two weeks. Like I said this kind of thing is rare, rarer still that it affects a cybernetic life form. I’m afraid it’s a case of wait-and-see…” the Doctor was interrupted by a high-pitched warble coming from the TARDIS, which was parked in the corner of the room and disguised as a large patient monitor. The Fisherman headed inside to see what had gone wrong this time. However, what awaited him was a message on the viewscreen.

[Please come to my RC (#4444) as soon as possible. While I am aware that your partner is unable to perform her Duty at the present time, a situation has developed and I am sending you to clear it up. Bring the TARDIS. – The Bonsai Monkey Puzzle Tree]

He flicked on the external speaker. “Doc, I’m gonna have to fly, gotta see a plant about a situation. Take good care of her, I’m sure you will. Let me know as soon as she wakes up. Unless she wants to kill me, in which case wait until the homicidal urge has subsided. Thanks, Doc.” Dr Fitzgerald waved his assent and then left the room to attend to his other patients.

As the Fisherman went to shut the TARDIS door, Brian rushed out between the Time Lord’s legs and leapt onto the chair beside Evie’s bed. “Heh, OK, you stay and watch her. If the nurses try and throw you out, er, well I’m sure you’ll think of something. Make it up as you go along.”

A/N: I know that I’ve already done a MoHS and a Twilight mission, and maybe I should have picked a different fandom, but when I saw this… thing, I thought that it was exactly the kind of fic the Flowers would send Fish and Evie into if they were feeling cranky (which is always).

As for the future, I plan to try something a little different for my next mission, but there will be a short interlude in the mean time to give some breathing space. Want a preview… well if you insist (bonus points if you know where the style is from).

With Evie still lying unconscious in Medical and the Fisherman summoned by the Flowers for an unknown reason, the TARDIS begins behaving even more erratically than usual! Will he manage to reach the RC in time, or will his journey through the forgotten corridors of HQ never end? Find out next time in Interlude 01: You have (not) arrived. And of course, plenty of fanservice is guaranteed!*