PPC Department of Floaters, SOD

Mission #1 - Odd Experiences (Haruhi Suzumiya)

The 'Haruhi Suzumiya' series belongs to Nagaru Tanigawa, Time Lords and TARDISes belong to the BBC, the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, and this fic belongs to Drake Nolsa of ff.net (he is most welcome to it!).

Evie was going through the equipment that had been left in the TARDIS by Agent Chase while the Fisherman was trying desperately to better integrate the additional features that DoSAT had ‘bolted on’ with the TARDIS console as a whole. He was currently suspended upside down from the ceiling, working on the time rotor.

“Remote activator, neuralyzer, combined CAD,” Evie muttered to herself as she mentally ‘checked off’ all the equipment. “Er, what’s this?” She held up a small metal cube covered in buttons.

“That appears to be,” the Fisherman began, swivelling his head around to look down at the object. “A DORKS, if I remember correctly.”

“Well if you’re just going to insult me,” Evie replied sarcastically.

“No, no, D.O.R.K.S. Disguise Outfitting, er, something something system. Basically allows you to change disguise while in the field. You see…” Before the Fisherman was able to finish his explanation, the low sound of a bell tolling filled the control room. “The Cloister Bell!” he said as he struggled to lower himself back to ground level.

“A mission already?” Evie said, heading over to the grey response panel and reading the text on the console. “A Haruhi Suzumiya squick fest. I’m not that familiar with the canon, but I know that it’s not a hentai.”

By this point the Fisherman had just about got himself untangled from his support cables and came rushing over. “What?” He skimmed the summary. “They put… that… in the Haruhi Suzumiya continuum?” By this point he looked as if he was ready to punch the console. However, he decided instead to leap over to the materialisation controls, set the co-ordinates and send the TARDIS flying off toward the Suzumiya-verse. The control room rattled and shook, and the new grey panel began to spark intermittently.

“Did you actually finish the integration?” Evie shouted across the console.

“Mostly, I’m sure we’ll get there in one piece,” he replied. The grey panel began crackling with energy. “Well, maximum two.”

After what seemed like several minutes the TARDIS landed. The Fisherman checked the control room over quickly for any damage. “Not bad,” he said. “Tell you what, I’ll put the integration program on automatic. By the time we’re finished here it’ll be done. We won’t be able to use the TARDIS until it’s done, but that shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Famous last words,” Evie muttered to herself, picking up the bag of equipment. “Disguises?” she said.

“Ah, yes, of course. Well the series is set in a school, so I’d go for ‘Generic Background Student’,” the Fisherman said, pressing a couple of buttons on the response panel  to initiate the disguise program. “We’ll also need...” he said before running deeper into the TARDIS. A few seconds later he returned, holding a red book. “This. In case we need to do an exorcism.”

“I thought it was an anime?”

“The books came first.”

 As soon as the agents emerged from the TARDIS (which had landed at the end of what appeared to be a school corridor) they were assaulted by an author’s note booming inside their heads.

This a Yuri story. If you don't like that, then get your ass out.
I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya

Odd experiences

Reward or Torture?

“So we have to leave our asses behind, but the rest of our bodies are fine?” Evie wondered aloud. “Because that makes sense.”

The SOS Brigade had always been an odd club or rather; it was never a club to begin with. The members consist a young girl with short silver hair, skin fair as snow and an expressionless face, a boy, with a spiky done hair and have a never ending smile, another girl, who was smaller than the others with long flowing red hair and a gentle face, another boy who looked as plain as the sky itself, with short brown hair and a bored look and lastly a young girl with short brown hair with a yellow ribbon tied in.

“Who’s making the charge list?” The Fisherman said. “I think we can safely add ‘use of stupidly long run-on sentences’.”

“I’ll do it,” Evie replied, tapping at her left cybernetic glove.

“You can take notes with that thing?”

“It’s a computer, even the most basic computer can handle note taking. And I’m tempted to add over-description for that ‘plain as the sky itself’ line.”

“Nothing much happens for a while, let’s portal ahead to the… action,” the Fisherman said uneasily as Evie handed him the remote activator.

They stepped through the portal into the SOS Brigade clubroom. Haruhi and Mikuru were the only other people in the room.

The day finally ended, everyone in the clubroom had left except for Haruhi and Mikuru. If Haruhi didn't know better, this would be a confession with a scene of them being the only ones left in a room, a setting sun behind them and unbearable silence.

“What?” Evie whispered. “Does not compute.”

The agents listened as the two characters shared some uninteresting dialogue. What they both thought was interesting was that suddenly Mikuru began to back Haruhi against the wall.

Mikuru's left leg was right in between Haruhi's. "Whenever you touch my breast, you give them a squeeze which always feels so sensational, that I want you to keep going. You always find your hands touching me here." Mikuru took one of Haruhi's hand and guided it towards the groin. "I've seen you secretly sniffing your hands after doing so. You don't know how much it turns me on."

Evie fished the CAD out from her backpack and pointed it at the two students.

[Mikuru Asahina. Female human. Canon. Out-of-character 56.65%]

[Haruhi Suzumiya. Female <no record on file>. Canon. Out-of-character 8.8%]

“Why doesn’t the CAD register Haruhi as human?” Evie asked.

“Because there’s a good chance that she’s actually a god,” the Fisherman replied nonchalantly.

“Oh what fun, just what we need.”

“Well, no-one’s really sure, but we should be on guard.”

Mikuru and Haruhi began kissing passionately. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do this." Mikuru gave a husky voice into Haruhi's ear. "You always gave me such pleasure from merely touching me. Now, I'll reward you back~"

“Gimme that.” The Fisherman grabbed the CAD and aimed it at Mikuru again.

[Mikuru Asahina. Female human. Canon/uncanon… ERROR 56 fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads. Character replacement.]

“Thought so,” he continued. “Mikuru in this time is a sweet, submissive Moeblob, if anyone, Haruhi would be the sex maniac.”

“So if it’s now a character replacement, that means we can kill it, I assume,” Evie said smiling.

“Yes, you can kill it later, as I’m sure you’ll want to. Oh, and we also need to look out for the canon Mikuru. She’ll have been shoved into a plot hole.”

Mikuru drew her hand back and saw a string a fluid. She then placed it next to her mouth and licked it off. Haruhi just couldn't believe that this young beautiful, innocent girl is doing such acts in front of her. She then stopped and pulled Haruhi's skirt off her all the way, tossing it aside.

“The author accidentally a whole word,” Evie muttered as she watched Mikuru lick a piece of fluid string from her finger.

Mikuru undressed herself completely before going to her bag and retrieving a video camera.

"Please Mikuru-chan… this is too much…" Haruhi began to plead, another first for her

"Brace yourself, Haru-nyan~" With those words, Mikuru plunged a finger into Haruhi, causing her to moan loudly.

Both agents stood stunned at the sight of Mikuru’s finger passing through Haruhi’s chest. As the author had failed to mention where the finger was going, the Word World simply used the ‘last known position’ rule. Whether this was more or less disturbing than the intended alternative, neither agent could quite work out.

“I think we can justify charging for trivialised rape,” the Fisherman said. “I mean its clear Haruhi Does Not Want any of this, and yet Mikuru carries on anyway.”

Mikuru’s pleasuring and domination of Haruhi continued for several minutes.

“Are we allowed to neuralyze ourselves?” he asked as he tried to prevent the imagery from being burned into his mind for good.

“I doubt it, we need to have a complete charge list at the end of this thing.”

Mikuru and Haruhi tried to move as fast as they can, matching each other's pace. They were getting closer and closer. They had finally reached what they wanted to achieve. An orgasm that can match an erupting volcano, as they both screamed each other's name finally having a release, letting their cum join together.

Mikuru collapsed right on top of Haruhi, panting heavily. Mikuru soon let her hand down to their cores, scooping up their cum on to her hand.

"It was… amazing." Haruhi smiled back at the red head as she packed her camera back into her bag. "I just couldn't believe that you were so 'dirty'."

“So in the time it takes to have sex, Haruhi’s gone from being a victim to a willing participant? I think we’ve seen enough here,” Evie said as she opened a portal to the next chapter.

Please don't humiliate on the Train

The author’s note overwhelmed the agents’ hearing again as they emerged into a Generic Japanese train station.

“Reminds me of those Engrish signs you see in China and places,” the Fisherman said.

At this time of day, there would be a few people around as most would already have returned home. To Mikuru, this just means to have some extra fun with her new plaything once the train comes in. She looked at Haruhi and saw her face bright red and panting heavily as Mikuru kept fingering the young brunette's tight anus.

Evie let her eyes wander, allowing her to see the Words. “Doesn’t look like there are any new charges in this chapter, just more wish-fulfillment Rule 34. Move on?”

“Yeah, the less of this nonsense the better.”

Here we go It the next part. Just a quick warning though:

We got ourselves a Futanari in this chapter, so if the Yuri didn't get you, this might. Your choice to read or not, just remember that you've been warned.

The strange formatting seemed to make this author’s note even louder than the previous two.

“Oh, hell,” the Fisherman said.


“Futanari,” he said, as if it explained everything. Evie looked at him blankly. “Obviously the TARDIS translation matrix is offline while it’s integrating. Futanari means ‘hermaphrodite’.”

“Right. Of course, why wouldn’t hermaphrodites end up in this fic, makes perfect sense.”

“Could very well be that way, people get off on the strangest things.”

Footsteps can be heard coming from the kitchen. The person was another young girl, roughly Haruhi's height, with long green hair and a small fang sticking outside her mouth. What she was wearing was nothing but an apron, while the rest of her was completely naked. That girl was Tsuruya, Mikuru's classmate and her other slave.

The sudden tense shift caused the agents’ to lose their balance, leaving them both somewhat nauseous. “I hate tense switches,” the Fisherman muttered. “One for the charge list.”

After some more pointless porn, Mikuru headed off toward the bathroom, leaving Tsuruya and Haruhi together.

"So, when did Mikuru get you into this?"

"That's Mistress to you nyoro." Tsuruya lay back on the couch, legs crossed. "It was a back in the first term.

“So now we’ve got retroactive character displacement,” Evie said. “I really get the feeling this author’s trying to wreck the continuum.”

Tsuruya returned to the kitchen, and before long Mikuru returned and all attention refocused on her. Dinner was served soon afterwards and the three girls sat down to eat. Deciding that there was little more of interest here, the agents portalled ahead to later in the chapter.

"Haru-nyan, there's still more to do." She got her to sit up. Mikuru had her hands on Haruhi's breast, kneading them to get the brunette ready for what is to come. "Tsuru-chan, take off the apron."

Tsuruya agreed and slowly took the apron off. Haruhi looked at the fanged girl and saw something she thought to never see in her life. Tsuruya had a penis between her legs and underneath it is her vagina which was starting to look wet. The penis was big and hard and twitching for attention. It took Haruhi by surprise, she has heard and seen some online but never in person.

“She has heard some penises?” the Fisherman said after recovering from the tense fluctuations and the sight of Hermaphrodite!Tsuruya. “What, did they start talking to her or something?”

Evie was concentrating on the CAD.

[Repeated tense fluctuations detected. Enforce continuous past tense? Y/N]

She quickly pressed ‘Y’ to confirm. “I’m no expert, but I don’t think hermaphroditism works like that,” she said, noting the charge and pointing the CAD at Tsuruya.

[Tsuruya. Male/Female/Malefemalemalefem… human. Canon. Out-of-character 53.65%.]

Hermaphrodite!Tsuruya, Dominatrix!Mikuru and Haruhi engaged in several more paragraphs worth of meaningless plotless porn, while the agents tried to prevent themselves from throwing up.

They were moving at an amazing speed, trying to finally reach euphoria. Before they knew it, they all went into one final slam and they all came together.

True to the Words, the three characters were attracted together like magnets, and merged into one composite entity, legs and arms protruding from the mass of flesh at random.

“I could have gone my whole life without seeing something like that,” Evie said.

“Portal to the next chapter, let’s get this thing over with as soon as possible,” the Fisherman replied. “I hope that bag they gave us included some Bleeprin.”

If the usual Yuri doesn't get you, this might even more. I don't want anyone to blame me for adding this up. If you don't like it, then why are you here in the first place?

 “We’re here because the Flowers sent us here,” the Fisherman sighed in response to the somewhat nonsensical authors note.

The agents were now inside Room 708, the home of Yuki Nagato. They watched and followed as she got up from her usual sitting position and entered one of the side rooms. Inside, inexplicably tied to a bed, was another ‘humanoid interface’, Ryoko Asakura. They observed as Nagato explained that what was to follow was Asakura’s ‘punishment’.

“More language mangling,” the Fisherman said in response to "This is to my belief a suitable punishment for your actions that you have done." “And more to the point why is Asakura still alive? Nagato wiped her from reality!”

Nagato undressed Asakura, placed a blindfold over her eyes and a ball gag in her mouth. She then began to pull on her nipples, eliciting a scream from the blue haired girl. Once she had finished assaulting her victim’s breasts, she picked up a multiple-tailed whip and began whipping Asakura, who continued to make muffled protests.

[Yuki Nagato. Female artificial humanoid construct. Canon. Out-of-character 78.7777777fiftysixflyingdoors777777%. Character rupture imminent.]

Evie looked up from the CAD in shock at what she had seen in the Words in her peripheral vision. Looking at the scene in front of her confirmed her fears.

Asakura saw something long and big materializing between Nagato's legs and soon was in full form. A big penis that looks and feels just like the actual thing. She was scared of what is going to be next. She had a look at her stoic tormentor and was pleading with her eyes.

"Begin final data overwrite."

“More improbable penises,” she said. “She’s going to use that to ‘overwrite the data? Why not just put her in the universe’s recycle bin?”

“I’ve had enough, time to  wrap this up,” the Fisherman said, stepping toward Nagato.

 “Yuki Nagato,” the Fisherman shouted. “I think that’s enough of that.” He lunged forward, pushing Nagato away from Asakura and restraining her on the floor. “Evie, loud noise if you please.”

She looked confused for a second before catching on and tapping a button on her glove. A high pitched beeping filled the room.

The Fisherman retrieved the copy of ‘The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya’ from his pocket and began whacking Nagato over the head with it. “Begone, spirit of awful writing. Avaunt, shade of pointless torture porn and instant hermaphroditism. I banish the concept of needlessly keeping canonically dead characters alive in order to fulfil your own perversions. The power of Tanigawa compels you!” He made an exaggerated swipe at the possessed character’s head, causing a thin wisp of sparkly purple smoke to escape from her mouth.

“Is that it?” Evie asked.

“I don’t think so.” He whacked Nagato a few more times.

“Do you actually know what you’re doing?”

“Yes. Well, I think so. I did only learn about this a week ago.” He turned his attention back to the possessed character. “Get out!” Whack. Nagato’s mouth opened wide and the author wraith was finally ejected.

Evie turned off the beeping and looked over at the wraith. “Now, let’s see if…” she looked around for a suitably heavy object, settling on a chair. “This wooden bodily support device is capable of destroying author-wraiths. You know, for science. You monster.” She flung the chair through the wraith, which dissipated on contact. “The answer? Yes.”

“Got the neuralyzer?” the Fisherman said, releasing Nagato, who was slowly regaining control of her own body. Evie threw it to him. “Yuki Nagato, please look this way.” He closed his eyes. Flash. “You are not a hermaphrodite, nor have any wish to use your data manipulation ability to become one. Ryoko Asakura is dead, erased from reality.”

Nagato calmly got to her feet, re-dressed herself and headed for the door. As she did so, Asakura began to revert to her canon state of non-existence and faded slowly away.

“Is she always like that?” Evie muttered.

“Pretty much,” her partner replied. “Now, let’s go deal with the other ones, I think we’ve got enough to charge Mikuru!Sue several times over.”

The pair portalled to the next chapter, emerging in a Generic Anime Classroom. Haruhi was lying on her back on a desk, pleasuring Herma!Tsuruya while Dom!Mikuru pleasured and played with her. Kyon and Koizumi were, for some reason, peering around the door.

“Let’s deal with them first,” Evie said, grabbing the neuralyzer and marching toward the door. The two guys didn’t notice her until she blocked their vision of the girls. Flash. “This never happened. Get lost.” They did as instructed.

“Who are you?” Mikuru demanded.

“We’re agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. And this madness is ending,” the Fisherman explained.

“No, you will not stop my Mistress,” Haruhi said. The world started to drain of colour, as if someone was fiddling with the universe’s saturation control.

“What’s she doing?” Evie asked.

“Er… quite possibly she’s… destroying the world.”

“What?! Well how do we stop her?” The room was now almost completely grey.

“No idea! Ah, actually, yes I do. Quick, neuralyzer,” the Fisherman shouted. Evie threw it across the room to her partner who fiddled with the settings in order to deliver a powerful blast. Flash. “Haruhi Suzumiya,  you are not a love slave or in any way submissive, you have no overt sexual attraction to Mikuru Asahina or Tsuruya and you most certainly do not want to destroy this universe. Or any other for that matter. Get dressed, return to the SOS Brigade clubroom and resume your usual activities.” The world returned to normal in an instant. Haruhi looked at the agent for several seconds before clumsily dressing herself and wandering out of the door. “Whew. Time for the charge list I think.”

“Gladly,” Evie said, smirking. “Mikuru Asahina, otherwise known as Mary Sue. You are charged with over-description, frequently mangling the English Language and inducing irritating tense shifts, altering the characters of Haruhi and Tsuruya, inexplicably gaining the personality and mannerisms of a dominatrix, creating a story with no discernible plot, trivialising rape, creating an intersex hermaphrodite, having no understanding of the biology of the aforementioned, disturbing PPC agents and using that stupid ‘-nyan’ honorific. Anything to say?”

Mikuru looked slightly confused. “What did you do to Haru-nyan?”

“Oh, I’ve had enough of this.” Evie picked Mikuru!Sue up by the collar of her maid uniform. “What do we do with them?” She motioned to Tsuruya, who now looked rather scared.

“Er, Tsuruya needs to go to Medical for some, er, adjustment surgery and as for that, well I have an idea. Back to the TARDIS.” The Fisherman led Tsuruya out of the classroom with Evie and Mikuru following on behind.

As all of the corridors in the building looked alike, it took several minutes of wandering to find the one where the TARDIS was parked in the form of a locker. The agents were very relieved to find that the integration program had finished and they were able to get inside. “Keep her secure, and keep her sane,” the Fisherman ordered, pointing to Mikuru and Tsuruya respectively before dashing back out into the Word World. “Oh, and keep them away from each other, the last thing I want in here is, well you get it,” he added, poking his head back around the door.

Outside, he ran back toward the clubroom, in order to retrieve Canon!Mikuru from her plothole prison. He would like to have said that he planned to do it this way around, but the truth is that he only just remembered as they were heading back to the TARDIS.

He burst into the room and headed straight for the rack holding the various unusual cosplay outfits that the SOS Brigade kept. He quickly found the plothole behind the clothes and began to rifle around inside, taking only a few seconds to find Mikuru and drag her back into her continuum.

“Hey, what are you doing? Only I’m allowed to touch Mikuru like that!”

‘Damn,’ he thought. ‘I just had to send Haruhi back here, didn’t I.’

“Yeah, sorry about that. Mikuru, would you stand over there with Haruhi?”

“Er, are you going to take our picture or something?” Mikuru asked, in response to the Fisherman getting the neuralyzer out of his pocket.

“More to the point, you haven’t answered my question Mister,” Haruhi shouted. “Who are you?”

“I’m an alien, and a time traveler, and I suppose a slider too. Not too sure about having ESP though,” he answered. Flash. “And I was never here.”

“Nearly there, nearly done,” the Fisherman muttered to himself as he reentered the TARDIS. The grey Generic Console panel had become inert and fallen down from the main TARDIS console. “Let’s hope it all worked then,” he said, throwing the plate to one side and starting the dematerialisation procedure. The TARDIS took flight smoothly, much to the relief of the two agents, who half expected something to explode.

“So, what are we going to do with her?” Evie asked.

Her partner answered by opening the TARDIS doors, revealing the swirling blue time vortex. “Sue or not, Mikuru is a time traveller. I’d say that ‘obliteration due to exposure to raw temporal energy’ could be counted as an occupational hazard.”

“Ah, I get it,” Evie picked up the Sue and marched her to the doors. “This is the part where we kill you!” she chuckled. “Hang on though, are you sure the vortex will kill it? The last thing we want is for the Flowers to have us up for an incomplete assassination.”

“Er, I assume so. I mean it is the base fabric of reality out there,” the Fisherman said, shrugging his shoulders. “Although, if you want to make sure...” He rushed off into the back rooms of the TARDIS, returning a minute later with a long whip. “It's an energy whip. I took it off a rather irritated Sycorax warrior. Long day, don't ask. Just aim, flick, zap.”

Evie took the whip and unfurled it. As she examined it the Sue attempted to run. Reacting quickly she flicked the whip out to the side and brought it back around the Sue's legs. Its entire body crackled with electricity as it was carried out of the TARDIS doors by its own momentum and into the vortex. “I love this!” she said smiling broadly, flicking the whip in random directions.

 “Yeah, I think I'll keep hold of that, there's enough damage in here as it is.”

The calm of the Medical Department was interrupted by the rhythmic mechanical vworp of the TARDIS materialising. Doctor Fitzgerald looked around from the screen readout he was examining to see a large incubator unit materialise on the other side of his office.

“Doctor Fitzgerald, I presume?” the Fisherman said, stepping out of the TARDIS and striding over to the Doctor.

“Indeed,” he replied. “What do you have for me?”

The Time Lord moved aside to give Doctor Fitz a view of Evie and Tsuruya.

“She was altered by a particularly depraved Suethor,” Evie explained. “Hermaphroditism and a fudged implementation of it at that.”

“Leave it to me,” Fitzgerald said, before turning to Tsuruya. “You’ll be back in your home continuum before you know it.”

Back in the TARDIS, the Fisherman was inspecting the results of his program. It had just about managed to integrate the extra PPC features with the standard TARDIS console, including the ability to view the Word World via the viewscreen. The temporal sat-nav evidently wasn’t working, as it now displayed:

{Current temporal position: Haven’t a clue, current spatial position: Why are you asking me?}

However, apart from this, and the fact that some console components appeared to have been rearranged or changed (for example, the gyroscopic stabiliser had been replaced with a Big Mouth Billy Bass), the Fisherman was satisfied with the process.

“Don’t need this anymore,” he said, picking up the large Generic Panel and tossing it out of the TARDIS doors.

“Oy! Careful!” a voice shouted, and it was only then that the Fisherman realised that he wasn’t in flight, but was actually parked somewhere within HQ. ‘Meh,’ he thought. ‘It’s not like anyone’s going to care about yet another strange thing lying around in HQ’s corridors.’